Laurel, Here…

~1 August 2009
I have allowed my little Louisa quite a bit of latitude lately, and it is time to take some of it back. I own this blog just as much as she. And my alliteration is in tip top shape!
So. Today is August first, 2009 and my hip was replaced this last Wednesday. I am in strange physical condition at the moment. Strangely healthy!
This was elective surgery, mind you, and I am certainly full of concerns that I went through this whole thing for the attention, only for attention. That is what I fear. If my body feels much improved after a while, maybe I can admit to some actual pain, but I will have to wait.
I am feeling pretty fantastic. Considering.
You understand, perhaps, that I distrust my self at a very basic level and this fact is disturbing. I feel that my life is metamorphosing at the moment, from the emotional to the physical and back again. Intellectually I feel superior, although I find it quite crowded here in such heady company!
I love the mental exercise I have available now. I just didn’t know about it before.
I will add to this basic blog tomorrow, and for now, let’s go wherever we go…together!

~2 August 2009
I came across something today while lurching around my house. Laurel lurches, indeed that is the perfect phrase to describe my movement. Any movement.
I came across a thought, not a mouse or something… :o) The thought was that I am certain this ‘condition’ is in fact a painful one. I am not only doctor-shopping. What I feel is real! I just do not know how to “rate” pain. And the medical community wants me to rate it for them. I have made a huge issue out of my recovery which is appropriate, but while I am open with them in this way, I am left without knowing my true motives. I lie to myself alot…Lied to myself? Which is it?
I will be in touch with those who know me well for some answers soon.
I am so afraid of being a ‘seeker’ that I ask for nothing. Then it hurts alot more than it had to in the first place.
They seem to want me to have some relief from pain they are sure is there. So I take their offering. Then I worry whether or not I am really in recovery or not…What if this is all some internal game?
Damn it to hell~I think far too much. And ‘overthinking’ is one of my more pronounced character flaws.
I make everything way too hard. On purpose. Now that is not entirely true.
This all sounds like I purposefully injure myself. I don’t.
I am actually going to quit talking to myself this way.
Done.
Too much time is another pitfall for me. Too much time available for thinking and worrying and considering. On and on it goes….

~8 August 2009
Greetings all, sorry for the hiatus. I have been trying to navigate my way through the physical world. Not an easy place to understand especially when one is accustomed to living in one’s head. I have always preferred mental masturbation rather than the physical kind, the latter is so damned temporary.
I need to get one thing out of the way as I begin to write this Saturday afternoon. My self-disciplinary history is shoddy and without merit. I have virtually none, in other words. I have sought it all through my lifetime of schooling and ego-specific ventures. I promise myself renewed dedication daily.
So here I sit once again, determined to give this dream of mine another hearing. What am I to do with myself if I am not a writer? I have spent far too many years doing anything and everything but writing, and I come full circle every time. So today I choose to write as long as I want to, about whatever I choose. I will try to be mindful of my reader at all times, I don’t want to bore the stuffing out of those kind enough to peruse these words.
So. Well. Now what?
Let’s see. Did I mention my current state of lurching? Of course I did! That is somehow a definitive term for my existence these days. But it’s getting less pronounced. I’d say I am approaching a cool weave this last couple of days. Weave and stumble, occasionally. Not bad for a writer.

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