It seems bizarre yet perfectly reasonable that the subconscious mind would be furiously at work in the process of recovery from substance abuse. Last night and this morning are no exception. None.
So when a “wrinkle” appears, it seems to follow that said mind would adjust accordingly and almost instantly.
I will give an example:
Last evening, Anthony told me he was going out to the range, to go “shooting with Neil”. He was taking my .17 Rifle. “OK”, said I. After Neil showed up here, they gathered up the gun, the paraphernalia, and left.
I did my ‘thing’; tapping away on this machine, until their return some time later. I was not concerned, for Anthony enjoys Neil’s company.
They came into the kitchen, and I noticed something was wrong. Off.
Both of them were drunk. Well.
I proceeded to go into an automatic mode of being and kicked them out of the house, citing my promise to Anthony of ejecting him if drunk when necessary to protect my own sobriety.
So. Then they were gone. I didn’t care whether or not they drove, they did not matter to me for a moment.
I called Kathy, then Aaron. I tried phoning Deb but got no answer. Such a confused moment, this!
Kathy was supportive and Aaron was cautionary. I needed both and told them so.
The point of this blog is to offer something to others who find themselves in such a predicament. Hopefully I will offer support and succeed, though my situation, I believe, just may be unique. I don’t know.
So after I went to sleep last night, all was well with the three of us and they stayed in our living room for much of the evening, well into the morning. They slept, the both of them, there.
I dozed in my own bed.
Upon waking, I was floored to find myself feeling guilty about something. Something about smoking cigarettes.
Of course, I thought, I had dreamed that we had relapsed and began smoking again.
We were on a huge sea-going vessel that had come to shore for maintenance. Anthony and I were there to rebury our dead family to this location. I don’t know why. We smoke one cig, then one more, but I am horrified in my dream to be doing this and tell Anthony so. But it is stressful moving the bodies of your family to new quarters, it really is. But, even given this stress, I realized that I did not want to smoke again. I was very afraid.
So my subconscious is working to alleviate stress associated with drinking, Anthony’s drinking. But drinking has nothing to do with this dream, it is about Death.
I do not want to die anymore, and alcohol and cigarettes are the biggest threats to my own life.
Please feel free to give me any and all comments/feedback/ideas regarding my current situation. It is 7:30am and I am still somewhat confused, but I am gaining strength through writing. That is why I know I have found what I love. And writing is what I need and love, to survive and remain sane.
Writing has become my life. My solution. Thank you God!
Thank you friends!
With Love and Hope,